I hope you find your "secret society"

    I fought a lot, with myself, in the last few years. You know when you're in a tug of war, not sure which side is going to give in first, but the result is just a heaviness in your chest and your throat closed? So it is. I was like this.

    I was trying, insistently, to be part of a group, to have my crowd and say around 'look how amazing, I'm part of this cool crowd!'.

    What I've noticed is that we keep stuffing ourselves in boxes, looking for a sense of belonging that never comes. And then comes the tug of war, chest pain and closed throat inside us.

    Do you know what I'm talking about? We try to fit into a profile and act like other people of the same profile act to see if we meet, somehow. And the feeling is one of self-betrayal. I'm betraying myself, choking myself, trapping myself in a closet and throwing the key away, until the moment it's going to leave me so breathless that I'll have to break down the doors to breathe or let myself slowly suffocate.

    Dramatic, but that's how it goes.

    We keep trying to adapt the way we act, the things we like and what we do to fit this pattern. In this little thing that we think will make us important in the world. We are giants, and we find ourselves closed in a section half a centimeter high by half a centimeter wide. And then it's easy for us to think we're wrong all the time, after all, it's really hard to adapt who we are to fit into a mindset that doesn't really represent us. Oh my God, this is it. it's trying to insist on an idea that has nothing to do with us.

    It's just one little box out of a million that we try to get into every day, and one that, I realized, kept trying to get into myself. and, look, I'll say that it gives me great relief to realize that I don't need to get into this little box to try to be accepted.

    In fact, I don't need to go into any box to be accepted at any time.

    It is easy for us to think that the feeling of belonging comes from outside of us. I have to be part of a group, somehow, to feel like I'm seen by people and that I matter in some way. That's what validates my importance in the world, my existence, the reason I'm here.

    I confess, I'm also afraid to let go of it all. From these little boxes, these ideas, this incessant search to be part of a group and force a bar to fit in. “I do it in an X way because it will look nicer”, “this other thing, I do it in a Y way because someone will notice me more”. But tired, right? We get a little exhausted after all this effort.

    And then there's a very sincere moment, mine, yours, ours, of giving up on this without fear of saying goodbye to old things that no longer serve. For this invented obligation that we have to belong somewhere and have to do something X or Y and have to act in a certain way to be accepted and to have a place in the sun.

    There's nothing, girl. Have nothing.

    The only thing you have to do... is be who you are. It's finding the place of comfort and acceptance within you. It's remembering, that above all, you are already accepted by those who matter most, and who loves you. And we've been kind of forgetting about it, looking around the world for a solution to a lack that has nothing to do with the amount of likes on the photo or being invited to go out to eat with college friends on Friday night.

    I'm not saying it's easy, okay? Not even that it's simple to get in touch with it, because it's much easier for us to fall into the empty speech of self-love and not realize that we have to change the way we think to exercise in the world who we really are.

    It's a workout.

    There are days when we slip and want to throw ourselves on the floor and cry all the tears in the world. Some days it gets simpler. Changing your mind, letting go of one more of these ties, is as simple as putting on your sneakers in the morning.

    But what I understand from this whole emotional roller coaster is that there is an outlet for the things that I feel and that I don't need to fit in anywhere.

    I don't need to make an effort, I don't need to fight with myself, or do things that I disagree with myself to be accepted. I don't have to force a bar, hold both sides of the rope at the same time. And I can feel different things than I feel today. Wait! I deserve to feel different things than I feel today.

    I can drop everything and start over.

    But I start again from another place, remembering all that I've seen. I hope you see it too, when your time comes.

    I feel hopeful that this will pass. And that, little by little, I am freeing myself from these bonds, to exercise what I am.

    Here at Yale University, I have my circle of friends with my sister. Living constantly and daily with her, I realize that in this relationship neither of them would do the favor of getting a glass of water for the other sister. However, I would give my life to save hers. And I think she would give her life for me.

    I also have what I call my "secret society" here. For me it's secret because nobody knows I call it that, but it makes me be who I am and express myself the way I think is best. This “society” is found on Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 2 pm to 4 pm. It's the Memoir Blogging class. But I carry a lot of wisdom with me in this society when I'm not with it. And I learn a lot about myself when I'm with them.

My "secret society" not so secret now, at The Good Life Center.

My "secret society" not so secret now, at The Good Life Center.